End of last season we were celebrating the sacking of David Moyes as Manchester United manager...a nice man by all accounts but a scouse on the rob has his hands on more silverwear in an hour than he has in his managerial career. In my humble opinion he should never have been appointed as manager anyway as it was too huge a task to follow a legend like Sir Alex, that aside finally his reign of terror was over. Giggs had a brief spell and never really tore any tree's up to suggest he could be the next big thing. Then we announced Van Gaal was to take over, with a proven track record in Germany, Spain and Holland and we all got excited at the prospect of Liverpool losing the league and United being back. Van Gaal, a quality International manager who ripped Spain apart a few weeks before he was due to take up the reigns on the world stage and things looked good, new quality signings arrived and £150 million was spent...oh happy days.
So what am I moaning about? We are currently 4th and looking to qualify for the Champions league. Bullshit. A club with the squad we have should not be limping along playing for fucking fourth. Firstly our new messiah can't decide if we need a quality centre back so doesn't sign one, then he can't decide upon which formation suits us better...three at the back? Four? Two up front? One lone striker? Wingers? But lets say he is adjusting and let that one roll...but what about the football? Well it's been so slow there are limbless disabled people who could start a quicker attack than wheat we do. Even crabs would tell Van Gaal to cut the side to side passing out as it is making them dizzy..that's if they could talk obviously. It says something when your keeper produces more passes in a match than some of your fucking outfield players...and that has happened and isn't just me being a mentalist and making that up, oh no, that actually happened. But what about the convincing wins against Spurs, Liverpool, Villa and City? The formation that gave us that very purple patch in April, and covered the cracks of some woefully shite performances all season, was found due to his favourite son RvP getting injured, this finally got Rooney out from midfield and allowed players more suitable to play in their natural positions...some fucking genius eh?
You see the defensive line on the half way line during an attack, they pass it to each other then one boldly passes forward, then under pressure the fucking thing gets passed back...this possession at all costs football allows the opposition to form two rigid lines of defence behind the ball. Sexy football? Yes if you have the same sexual tendencies as Rooney and you like your women old and who have their knees kept warm by their tits. Chelsea weren't the first to park the bus against us, and they won't be the last because our slow build up allows teams to organise and stifle our creativity, the purple patch in April was against teams who had a go and didn't play defensive and we exploited them.
Van Gaal has faults, one of the faults that annoys me is his ability to see past certain players and their lack of abilities. Rafael? A very good right back who is deemed not as good as Valencia so gets benched months on end despite Valencia costing us goals, and matches, and not being a natural right back. Valencia meanwhile costs us goal after goal through going missing from his position and others having to move from their positions to cover for him...does he get dropped as Herrera and Mata was for weeks on end earlier in the season? Nope, but in his defence as i said earlier he isn't a fucking right back but a right winger...a fucking right WINGER...see what i did there LvG??? So, what about Rooney? Terrible performances this season has left many fans wishing he'd pick up an injury and cheered when he did, only to be left deflated when he was declared fit but shit for the next game, and if Van Gaal doesn't fancy him up front then drop some other fucker from their position on the pitch because as he admitted earlier this season - Wayne is undroppable. Sadly this hair growing granny smashing scouser could over take the scoring record of a real legend - Bobby Charlton...though at least bobby had the grace to not buy hair plugs and went bald gracefully.
Subs...yeah, you are one down to a relegation threatened side at home and you have 80% possession...what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO??? Put on another striker? Two strikers? nah, Van Gaal decides to pull a master stroke. He puts a midfielder up front and puts his two highest scoring strikers into...yep...the midfield. Genius on the scale of a downs syndrome child completing a Times crossword by writing in the word 'Potato' to every clue. That is not an isolated incident sadly and his subs leaving you scratching your head so much people think you have been to Merseyside and picked up fucking lice.
Surely he has alternative formations and plans if things are going wrong? Yes, he throws 8ft Fellani up front and the team hoof the ball to him...I never realised the long ball system was something we should admire and declare as a genius tactics, fucking Wimbledon were ground breakers in intellectual football in the 80's then. In some matches the ball has been in the air longer than a 9/11 jumper was and at least you knew whereabouts the jumpers were going to land.
You raise any of these points and the LvG darlings and luvvies get upset like you are trying to crucify Christ. Fuck off. Yet the same morons were calling for Moyes to go the previous season but that was fine...hypocrites. Three games to go and last season we had more shots on target, more shots off target and more crosses...of course they were shite crosses mainly by Young that were destined to either be easily cleared or go out for throw in's but at least it shows that this season we have gone backwards instead of going forward. Van Gaal still has three games to score five goals to equal last seasons goal tally and that is a very horrifying statistic, this is despite having a better array of attacking talent than Moyes ever had or dreamed of having. We also haven't scored in our last three games so that's something to cheer us up as we look to secure 4th from those victims in Candlelitvigil land...the end of the season should be a worrying time for Van Gaal, if not then why the fuck not? What's good for Moyes should be good for this 'tactical genius' especially if we are giving him another huge blank cheque this summer.
So what am I moaning about? We are currently 4th and looking to qualify for the Champions league. Bullshit. A club with the squad we have should not be limping along playing for fucking fourth. Firstly our new messiah can't decide if we need a quality centre back so doesn't sign one, then he can't decide upon which formation suits us better...three at the back? Four? Two up front? One lone striker? Wingers? But lets say he is adjusting and let that one roll...but what about the football? Well it's been so slow there are limbless disabled people who could start a quicker attack than wheat we do. Even crabs would tell Van Gaal to cut the side to side passing out as it is making them dizzy..that's if they could talk obviously. It says something when your keeper produces more passes in a match than some of your fucking outfield players...and that has happened and isn't just me being a mentalist and making that up, oh no, that actually happened. But what about the convincing wins against Spurs, Liverpool, Villa and City? The formation that gave us that very purple patch in April, and covered the cracks of some woefully shite performances all season, was found due to his favourite son RvP getting injured, this finally got Rooney out from midfield and allowed players more suitable to play in their natural positions...some fucking genius eh?
You see the defensive line on the half way line during an attack, they pass it to each other then one boldly passes forward, then under pressure the fucking thing gets passed back...this possession at all costs football allows the opposition to form two rigid lines of defence behind the ball. Sexy football? Yes if you have the same sexual tendencies as Rooney and you like your women old and who have their knees kept warm by their tits. Chelsea weren't the first to park the bus against us, and they won't be the last because our slow build up allows teams to organise and stifle our creativity, the purple patch in April was against teams who had a go and didn't play defensive and we exploited them.
Van Gaal has faults, one of the faults that annoys me is his ability to see past certain players and their lack of abilities. Rafael? A very good right back who is deemed not as good as Valencia so gets benched months on end despite Valencia costing us goals, and matches, and not being a natural right back. Valencia meanwhile costs us goal after goal through going missing from his position and others having to move from their positions to cover for him...does he get dropped as Herrera and Mata was for weeks on end earlier in the season? Nope, but in his defence as i said earlier he isn't a fucking right back but a right winger...a fucking right WINGER...see what i did there LvG??? So, what about Rooney? Terrible performances this season has left many fans wishing he'd pick up an injury and cheered when he did, only to be left deflated when he was declared fit but shit for the next game, and if Van Gaal doesn't fancy him up front then drop some other fucker from their position on the pitch because as he admitted earlier this season - Wayne is undroppable. Sadly this hair growing granny smashing scouser could over take the scoring record of a real legend - Bobby Charlton...though at least bobby had the grace to not buy hair plugs and went bald gracefully.
Subs...yeah, you are one down to a relegation threatened side at home and you have 80% possession...what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO??? Put on another striker? Two strikers? nah, Van Gaal decides to pull a master stroke. He puts a midfielder up front and puts his two highest scoring strikers into...yep...the midfield. Genius on the scale of a downs syndrome child completing a Times crossword by writing in the word 'Potato' to every clue. That is not an isolated incident sadly and his subs leaving you scratching your head so much people think you have been to Merseyside and picked up fucking lice.
Surely he has alternative formations and plans if things are going wrong? Yes, he throws 8ft Fellani up front and the team hoof the ball to him...I never realised the long ball system was something we should admire and declare as a genius tactics, fucking Wimbledon were ground breakers in intellectual football in the 80's then. In some matches the ball has been in the air longer than a 9/11 jumper was and at least you knew whereabouts the jumpers were going to land.
You raise any of these points and the LvG darlings and luvvies get upset like you are trying to crucify Christ. Fuck off. Yet the same morons were calling for Moyes to go the previous season but that was fine...hypocrites. Three games to go and last season we had more shots on target, more shots off target and more crosses...of course they were shite crosses mainly by Young that were destined to either be easily cleared or go out for throw in's but at least it shows that this season we have gone backwards instead of going forward. Van Gaal still has three games to score five goals to equal last seasons goal tally and that is a very horrifying statistic, this is despite having a better array of attacking talent than Moyes ever had or dreamed of having. We also haven't scored in our last three games so that's something to cheer us up as we look to secure 4th from those victims in Candlelitvigil land...the end of the season should be a worrying time for Van Gaal, if not then why the fuck not? What's good for Moyes should be good for this 'tactical genius' especially if we are giving him another huge blank cheque this summer.